I try so hard to keep it together and stay strong. I hold back the tears when my mind wanders and thoughts begin to play in my head…thoughts of what might happen or what could be. I shudder at some of those thoughts and try with everything I have inside me to keep them from playing in my head. Sometimes the stop button is hard to find.
I don’t like it when my mind takes those journeys. It reminds me of just how vulnerable I really am. I do my best to not let others see me in those moments. Most people wouldn’t understand or would ask stupid questions that I have no answers for, so I close the door to my bathroom and let the tears fall. That’s my safe place. The place I can be alone without judgements and lectures.
I don’t have those days nearly as much as in times past, but I still have them. I’m sure I would have a barrel of tears, if not more, if I was to collect each tear that fell. That’s just my reality.
Don’t beat yourself up when you’re having a day of tears. There was a time my “day of tears” was actually “months of tears”. In the beginning of my diagnosis it took time for me to wrap my mind around what was happening in my life. I went through different stages from denial, to anger, to fear, to grief, to acceptance.
I’ve heard from many others who have walked through the same experience. And although each of our journey’s are different, we still have the same monster to face.
When dark clouds loom overhead, when your body reminds you that your weakness is real and Multiple Sclerosis is not leaving, you have the strength to keep holding on. You may not feel like it, but you do. No matter how weak you may feel or how different life has become, keep pushing for a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is full of promise.
Don’t listen to the “what might happen” or “what could happen” thoughts bouncing around in your head, or even that other people may say. Take things a day at a time and refuse to give up. You have so much to offer and a life to live today. I know it can be hard to believe, but you are going to make it.