Living in a constant state of pain is grueling, exhausting and tough…really tough. Someone who hasn’t been in that position will never grasp how difficult it actually is to function during a time of blinding pain, no matter how much you try to explain it to them. There is just no way to put that kind of thing into words.
When pain becomes that overwhelming, you find yourself creating your own methods of mind over matter to try and cope. Sometimes they work, but sometimes the pain becomes so intense that you can’t seem to find any coping mechanism to bring relief. That’s when the tears flow, the mood swings happen and you pray with all the strength you have left inside of you hoping that everything will simply stop spinning out of control.
That has been my world these past few days. The pain has been so intense that I found myself hibernating…more for my own sanity than anything else. I know my fuse can be short when my body is screaming at me with that much intensity. I wouldn’t want anyone to be on the receiving end of a faulty mood swing during an I’m-trying-to-cope moment in my life.
Now don’t get me wrong, I truly am a wonderful, nice, calm person…but when I’m hit with excruciating pain that just won’t let up or stop, the monster hidden deep inside of me rises up. I would never be cruel, but I am more apt to say something that might hurt someone’s feelings. And I wouldn’t want to do that.
Anyone who says that people living with Multiple Sclerosis don’t experience pain, is full of it. Oh, how I would love to give that person a glimpse into just how painful it can be.
But you know, although the pain is horribly unbearable, I find that somehow the strength I need to push through during those times comes. I eventually get through it and I gain deeper compassion for others facing similar times of pain in the process.
Before MS, I really didn’t get it. Life wasn’t as meaningful or as precious to me as it is now. I took way too many things for granted: people, a good job, strong friendships, laughter, and the freedom to do just about anything I wanted to do.
Now, because of Multiple Sclerosis, I live my life in a constant state of uncertainty and pain. Physical pain and emotional pain. Yet now I find myself savoring every memory and moment I have…even the painful ones. I no longer take life for granted. I value each day, each sunrise, each raindrop, each tear.
There’s no time for petty arguments or silly whining. There’s no point in trying to one up someone just to make myself feel important. There’s no need for meaningless relationships or power struggles. Each moment I’m given, each person I meet, they’re a gift I’ve been given and something I shouldn’t waste or toss aside.
Savor life. Enjoy every moment. Live today regardless of how terribly tough it may be. You are here, alive, for a reason. You matter. You have a purpose. You are loved, valuable and someone that I’m thankful to call friend.
You are a survivor and a warrior. You are truly an amazing person. Never forget that, even in the pain.