Today, and every day, I fight

If you could turn my body inside out, you would see the faulty wiring that exists in my brain and spine. I have frayed and damaged nerves running rampant there. Some of those nerves have been crudely repaired, but most haven’t been able to be fixed. So if you want to know why I have a hard time walking, talking, seeing, thinking, or even feeling…I blame my enemy of enemies, Multiple Sclerosis.

For some reason my immune system to think that my nerves shouldn’t be a part of making me work. As crazy as it sounds, it thinks I shouldn’t need them at all. Who ever heard of a body working without nerves, or as I call them…wires? I’m not a sci-fi anomaly. I need my nerves to function…and lots of them.

But it seems my immune system thinks differently. It thinks all the wires that connect each part of my body together are invaders, so war has been declared. An all out war too, and I have no way of calling it off.

So far, my immune system seems to be winning the fight. It’s doing everything it can to destroy every wire it finds. Hours, days, and even years have been spent chewing and gnawing away at each wire it finds. You would think they were made out of cotton candy or something tantalizingly delicious…or at least made out of chocolate.

I’ve tried explaining to my immune system that the wires inside my body that it keeps munching on are necessary and that without them I will fall apart, but as of today it doesn’t believe me. It won’t call the war off. I’m not sure when my immune system and my nerves will learn to live in harmony with each another, but I sure wish it would happen soon. It’s exhausting having a war going on inside my body, especially one that no one else can see.

Until a truce is met and a treaty signed, I wake up each day to a battle. And each day the question becomes “who will win today?”

Just as I ask that question, my brain pipes up and says, “Forget about them, your heart will win today.”

As I ponder that thought for a moment, I remember that regardless of the fight my body is facing, my heart will keep beating and giving life. My heart will bring joy and give peace in a place of chaos. My heart will find purpose in a crazy mixed up life.  Today, I will stay in the fight and let my heart win.

MS Gets on My NervesMS WarriorMS Superhero  

About the Author
About the Author
Penelope Conway

Penelope Conway
Penelope started Positive Living with MS as a way to help others with MS stay positive in the midst of a terrible disease. She believes that staying positive and holding onto hope is the key to waking up each morning with the strength to get through the day. Multiple Sclerosis may never go away, but neither will her determination and her drive to help others through the journey.

15 replies
  1. Rose Clara Santilli says:

    I am with you today. I can’t move very well and haven’t got adequate pain relief and need an X-ray on my foot to see if it’s broken or just painful like the rest of me.

  2. Rodger Ashton-Smith
    Rodger Ashton-Smith says:

    My MRI shows me that there are several areas in my brain that have been destroyed. But we have a lot of spare space in our brains. We only use, at best,about 20% of it so what can we do with the other 80%? We need a bit of rewiring so a good electrician is required.
    When I first took the trial of MIS416 I felt it found another route for my mobility but the MS didn;t like that so broke the chains of that effort. I’m sure someday someone will find a way but i;m not holding my breathe for it.
    I was just thinking this morning, while getting dressed, That we have a normality that we can live to. It’s just not the same as it used to be. This change comes about from all sorts of things like job changes or living place changes etc. We just need to find the boundaries of this new normality and try and live in it.

  3. Bonnie Burkley says:

    Our bodies are the enemy…it punches hard every day!! I’ve had 36yrs. of battle…there is never a “cease fire”…no winning in this war until cure??!! I thank God every day that I can talk to Him because he knows my body…He made me. In 1980, I was told, “cure in 5yrs.” at 33, I felt sure that would happen…at 69, not in my life time. Never give up, newly diagnosed, there is so much more than when I was dx….I’ve had a good life, husband of 50yrs. 2 wonderful children, 4 grandsons, now 3 little greats….their smiles and joys from my family.,,have to be my weapons! The Lord, Jesus Christ is my Commander who shields and protects me through the Blood He shed for me at Calvary. Strength through Him has made me strong in my weakness.✨

    • Rodger Ashton-Smith
      Rodger Ashton-Smith says:

      Those are great lines Bonnie. I know that God, through Jesus Christ is in control of my life and what ever is going on He is in command of it.

  4. Nancy
    Nancy says:

    thank you! My first thought when I read your post this morning was what a great way to explain this disease to my younger grandchildren (8 beautiful caring children) who were scared silly when they learned of my diagnosis a few years back. Thanks to you, I have a new nickname for mine, I’m going to call it the “wire munching MonSter” for my grandkids! Please note that I am not making light of our MS issues, they are very real and some days I, too, feel like I just can’t go on. But part of my heart belongs to my family and you have to do what you can to get through. Even name-calling. Bless you Penelope, you have one of the biggest hearts of all. Thank you again!

  5. Debbie
    Debbie says:

    Thank you so much. I am having such a hard day, but with your reminder, I know my heart will also win.

  6. Odette van Straalen says:

    It is exhausting. Every little thing seems to take so much of my limited energy and leaves me feeling drained and weak. But hey! We’re still here and we’re still laughing! Well, some of the time anyway

  7. Jolie
    Jolie says:

    Thank you for the reminder! No matter what’s going on with my brain, my heart matters the most.

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