letters

My jumbled up brain

Some days I really think my brain needs oiling. Or maybe it needs repairing. Oh, who am I kidding…I just need a new one! Mine looks like a block of swiss cheese on the MRI scans with holes scattered all over the place. If you were to pour water on my brain,  it would leak all over the place. There’s not much left for anything else.

You want to know why I forget appointments, people’s names and what was said only minutes before? Well, I think those thoughts have fallen into one of the many holes in the vast abyss of my brain.

I imagine thoughts bouncing around in my brain, sliding from hole to hole and hitting road blocks in hopes of finding a landing spot. It’s kind of like they are stuck in a perpetual reality game of Chutes and Ladders.

What happens to the thoughts that don’t find a place to call home? Do they just keep rattling around in there all day long? Maybe that’s where my vertigo issues come from…all my missing thoughts and words have created a vortex in my brain.

It’s such a weird feeling to know in my head what I’m are trying to say but not being able to connect those thoughts with my tongue. I know I frustrate people from time to time with my long pauses and lack of complex vocabulary. I frustrate myself too.

I’m thankful for the people who are patient with me and allow me the space I need to piece things together. That phrase “collecting my thoughts” never meant much to me until Multiple Sclerosis came along. Now I truly know what it’s like to sift through words, thoughts and ideas just to find something that makes sense.

But that’s my world now…a jumbled up, 3-dimensional word search game. But the bad thing about it is that someone keeps switching up the game board on me. Just when I think I have it solved, BAM… there’s a new arrangement of letters to sort through.

So, if you are looking for me today, I’ll be sifting through the sea of letters and words in my brain searching for…what was it again?

MS Gets on My NervesMS WarriorMS Superhero  


About the Author
About the Author
Penelope Conway

Penelope Conway
Penelope started Positive Living with MS as a way to help others with MS stay positive in the midst of a terrible disease. She believes that staying positive and holding onto hope is the key to waking up each morning with the strength to get through the day. Multiple Sclerosis may never go away, but neither will her determination and her drive to help others through the journey.

21 replies
  1. Kathleen Sweatland says:

    I can’t find words, esp. when I’m tired and trying to listen to other peoples conversation and trying to add to it….I’m slow talking and have a gravely like voice, so I get embarrassed while trying to converse. About 2 years ago I just decided that what I had to add wasn’t that important, so now I just listen and smile, laugh, or try to make the right facial expressions. I don’t go out much anymore, and I’ve always loved being around people, but that’s just the way it is now, sigh!!!

  2. Rodger Ashton-Smith
    Rodger Ashton-Smith says:

    That’s a good picture of a ‘Fogged” brain. I am so please I have got rid of mine and can think again. But looking back its a bit of a nightmare I have lived through. I think that I wasn’t ready for it but I’m working it out slowly.
    It is nice to be able to do things as before and not lose it again in the head area but my mobility is still a major problem for logistic function
    So it is important that you don’t lose yourself in the ruins of MS.

  3. Tania Padilla says:

    I have a strange form of MS it plays with my brain but doesn’t leave the holes…….6 years of MRI’s and no holes….but the substance is getting thinner and thinner……I guess you can put much more things in it as there is more space……I wonder where the little gnomes hide if there are no holes….

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