chaos

Living with Multiple Sclerosis without losing your mind

My emotions have this tendency to run wild. I find myself crying for no reason, laughing at ridiculous things and getting mad at nothing…absolutely nothing. My brain has mixed things up and doesn’t seem to know the difference between a laugh and a tear.

I wish I could say it was just me being me and life being life, but multiple sclerosis is at fault. Somewhere, deep in my brain, the area that controls my emotions has been damaged. The communication of my feelings and the need to express them is a complete mangled mess.

Life changes a lot with MS. It changes in ways we expect and also in ways we never knew possible. Sometimes those changes happen all at once and other times they simply pile up, little by little, until we find ourselves surrounded by a sea of change.

That’s me at the moment…overwhelmed in a torrential storm. It feels like my world has been knocked off its axis and is bouncing around inside some perpetual game of universe pong. I just want things to slow down a bit. It doesn’t have to stop entirely, I just need the brakes put on and for things to stop spinning out of control for awhile.

I’m sure you understand the feeling all to well yourself. Today you may be facing a boatload of MS changes, financial struggles, relationship problems, emotional chaos, or a little of them all wrapped up into one. That’s a lot for anyone to have to face.

I hope you know you aren’t alone in this journey. I may not understand your exact struggles, but I understand what it feels like to ache so deep inside that you can’t put the pain into words; to dread a new day because you just aren’t sure what the day is going to bring; to wake up in the morning wishing you could just go back to bed and wake up from the nightmare you find yourself in; to watch your dreams get crushed and feel as if you will never be able to dream again.

I mean it when I say I’m standing with you. You can vent, you can cry, you can spill out every emotion that’s been bottled up inside and I won’t judge you nor look at you with that weird blank stare so many of us see on others faces when we try to explain what’s happening inside.

Yes, you may be living with multiple sclerosis, you may have a crazy mixed-up life, your emotions may go bonkers on you, your days may be spinning out of control, but regardless of how things look today, there is always hope for a better tomorrow.

Life is tough. Anyone who says otherwise isn’t really living. But even though we face some awful things in life, there are great things happening that show up and bring relief to the pain. And wouldn’t you know it, they happen at the very moment you feel as if you’re about to fall apart.

Things like a “thinking of you” card in the mail from a dear friend, a fistful of weeds and smiles from a child, your favorite song playing on the radio at just the right moment, a piece of chocolate, ten minutes of silence, coffee with a friend…they are happening all around you, you just have to pause for a moment to notice them.

Today may be a tough day but don’t let the struggle cloud those sweet moments that are happening in your life. Pause and breathe. Find something to be thankful for. Look around. There is some good in the chaos happening around you. You are going to make it through this storm. Hang in there and let those sweet pauses give you strength to get through the rest of your day.