Sometimes thoughts about my possible future get carried away causing me frustration, anger, loneliness and fear. I know they say not to keep things like that to yourself, but how do you explain thoughts and feelings you are having about a disability to someone when you don’t even understand them yourself?
Now mind you, I don’t live in a constant state of hopelessness or fear, but it’s something I fight regularly. That’s just me being real and telling it like it is.
Each morning I wake up to a fight. Some mornings I punch multiple sclerosis right in the face knocking it out cold. What a victorious feeling it is to wake up to a win in the ring. Those are amazing moments. But regardless of my strength and skill—something I’ve gained over the years—MS has been known to dodge my punches and come in with an upper cut that sends me to the floor seeing stars. It’s those days when hopelessness becomes a reality.
I know people care about me and about what I’m going through, and for that I’m extremely thankful, but sometimes the feelings of hopelessness overwhelm me to the point of despair regardless of who’s standing with me. I admit I have wanted to run away more as an adult than I ever wanted to as a kid. But where do I run? There’s no place to hide from MS…or the world for that matter.
If you have ever felt that way, I want you to know that you are not alone. When I’m having a tough time with MS or life in general, I find journaling helps. It’s an easy way to vent…getting all my feelings out without anyone talking back or misunderstanding what I’m trying to say. Maybe talking to your dog or a goldfish would be just as therapeutic. I haven’t tried that but, hey, anything’s worth a shot.
How do I journal? I take time each morning to write my thoughts down. I choose to write without stopping regardless of grammatical errors or confusion, no matter how random that may be. I simply allow my feelings to spill out onto the page. I rant, vent, and scream in written words. It used to be easy to do that with a pen and paper, but now I use dictation software on my computer to do the writing for me since my hands don’t work so well.
There have been times I have gone back to read what was written and sat staring at the page in confusion because the words made absolutely no sense. Not because the software messed up writing things out, but because I was talking in circles and going down rabbit trails. Regardless, I feel lighter and that’s what matters.
You would be amazed how much it helps to voice things and just get everything out. It has been better therapy than anything I’ve ever done. At least it’s been working for me. Maybe it could work for you too.
There is life outside of MS, I promise you. You won’t always have bad days even though at times it feels like it. Don’t let your thoughts ruin your day. Take charge. You hold the reigns and get to choose what hangs around in your mind.