Sometimes all I can do is just sit and cry

I remember as a kid taking time to lie in the grass, look up at the sky and discover a world of cloud shaped wonders. Once I saw a bunny eat an elephant, then it pooped out a bear. It seems the impossible can happen with a little bit of imagination and a sky full of clouds. I mean, who ever heard of a bunny eating an elephant before? But I saw it happen right before my very eyes.

Those carefree times don’t happen so much any more. I’m not as prone to pause life to look up at the sky in search of familiar shapes…but I should. I should slow down to enjoy life more and to allow myself to be me. We all should. Do you realize this very moment can never be refunded or returned? It has to be used as is, right now.

That’s not always so easy to do when dealing with a chronic illness. Especially when the challenges facing you seem bigger than life itself. The weakness in my legs and right arm have increased by a gazillion times over the past month. I am finding it harder and harder to hold onto things and the pain that accompanies the muscle tightness in my legs is killer. Like scream-as-loud-as-you-can-because-it-hurts pain.

Sometimes all I can do is sit and cry. So do you know what I do? I sit and cry. That’s right. I have no secret remedy for how to face the pain graciously. But I do believe in allowing yourself the freedom to express your emotions whether they be tears, laughter or screams.

I remember one day sitting in my car in the parking lot at the grocery store screaming. I was still able to walk, but by time I had finished shopping and made my way back to the car, I was so weak that all I could do was sit and scream. So I did. I’m sure the shoppers passing by thought I was completely nuts. But I didn’t care. It helped me vent my frustrations. Then I took a deep breath, wiped away the tears and drove home feeling much better.

When facing difficult times, I have found some of my most therapeutic moments have been when I have taken the time to pause and allow myself to simply be. To allow the emotions to spill out for a moment, then take time to notice life like I did as a child. To look around at all the wonder that there truly is in life. To enjoy the tiny little kisses life gives us: the flowers swaying in the wind, the sound of children laughing, the smell of a freshly cut lawn. There’s a pause button in every day, you just have to choose to use it.

No matter what you are facing, whether it be difficulties in your marriage, relationship troubles, problems at work, stress over finances, or simply having an “MS is kicking my butt” kind of day…pause and take time to simply be! Twenty minutes…that’s all you need…just twenty minutes to yourself. Those twenty minutes will be worth the investment. Trust me.

Now I’m off to spend some time curled up in my favorite chair as I sip some coffee and watch the sun come up. It’s a new day filled with new possibilities.

8 replies
  1. Peggy
    Peggy says:

    Yes well written! I agree with you years ago when had divorce from 1st husband would do that….eve had tears roll doen as checking out at grocery…and now with MS did so many times when COULD walk now as sit in wheelchair again at times.

  2. Rodger Ashton-Smith
    Rodger Ashton-Smith says:

    Well written Penelope, we all have the right to cry, scream, or get angry if this mess comes along. I have a problem with venting my emotions. For example when I had a UTI it caused me a lot of pain (I rated that at 12/10), that I am not used to. Sitting in my chair in the waiting room of the 24 hr surgery, my wife said to the receptionist that I had almost broke out in tears and needed someone quick. And this happened, and a new catheter was fitted and took the pain away. Now I have a supruga fitted and that is a lot more comfortable as the Ms has closed my urethra be and caused a horrible retention in my bladder. I was wondering why I couldn’t pee properly over the last few years and didn’t think about it so much, there was a lot going on outside myself.

  3. Jack Yaco
    Jack Yaco says:

    Beautiful article! When my wife died in 2016 – she had MS though that wasn’t the cause of death- I handled the grief by meditating every morning after which I allowed whatever emotion I felt to express itself. Needless to say I cried a lot! But after crying I was able to face whatever came the rest of the day.

  4. Carla L Broadbent Rogers
    Carla L Broadbent Rogers says:

    The back burner I put myself on gets a little too warm and uncomfortable. 2018 is going to be a year for more ME. In October I will leave the 50’s and head in to the next decade of my life. The MS has to come along. I am trying to make it as much on my terms as I can. Be well. Stay strong. Eyes….mind….and heart focused. Thank you Penelope for coming into my life.

  5. Susan Russo
    Susan Russo says:

    This was a good article for me to come across today. This last year has been particularly hard. I haven’t been out of my apartment in over a year. I’ve fallen several times, so I’m scared. I feel like screaming and crying a lot, but I don’t dare. If I ever let out the profound grief and loss I feel, the dam will break.

  6. Priscilla
    Priscilla says:

    Hope the rest helps the pain P! Thinking of you always! You are a true inspiration. You’re right sometimes we need to just scream, cry, then breath and let out that negativity we sometimes face. It is exhilarating!


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