Some days I really think my brain needs oiling, or maybe it needs repairing. Oh, who am I kidding…I just need a new one! You want to know why I forget appointments, people’s names, a movie I have already watch…twice, and what was said a few minutes ago? I think it’s due to the fact that my brain looks like a block of Swiss cheese on my MRI scans with holes scattered all over the place.
If you were to pour water onto my brain, I’m positive it would leak like a sieve all over the place. I think many of my thoughts have fallen into those holes.
I imagine words bouncing around in my brain, sliding from hole to hole and hitting road blocks in hopes of finding a way of escape. It’s kind of like they are stuck in a perpetual reality game of Chutes and Ladders.
What happens to the thoughts that don’t find a place to call home? Do they just keep rattling around in there all day long? It’s such a weird feeling to know the words I’m trying to say but can’t seem to connect those thoughts with my tongue. I know I frustrate people from time to time with my long pauses, lack of complex vocabulary and made up words. I frustrate myself too.
I’m thankful for the people who are patient with me and allow me the space I need to piece things together even when I get things all mixed up. The phrase “collecting my thoughts” never meant much to me until multiple sclerosis came along. Now I truly know what it’s like to sift through words, thoughts and ideas as I attempt to find something that makes sense.
But that’s my world now…a jumbled up, 3-dimensional word search game. The bad thing about it is that someone keeps switching the game board and jumbling up all the words. Just when I think I have things solved, BAM…there’s a new arrangement of letters and words to sort through.
So, if you are looking for me today, I’ll be sifting through a sea of letters and words in my brain searching for…what was it again? Pancakes? Trashcans? Envelopes? Ugh…I think I need a nap.