My Multiple Sclerosis jumbled up brain

Some days I really think my brain needs oiling, or maybe it needs repairing. Oh, who am I kidding…I just need a new one! You want to know why I forget appointments, people’s names, a movie I have already watch…twice, and what was said a few minutes ago? I think it’s due to the fact that my brain looks like a block of Swiss cheese on my MRI scans with holes scattered all over the place. 

If you were to pour water onto my brain, I’m positive it would leak like a sieve all over the place. I think many of my thoughts have fallen into those holes.

I imagine words bouncing around in my brain, sliding from hole to hole and hitting road blocks in hopes of finding a way of escape. It’s kind of like they are stuck in a perpetual reality game of Chutes and Ladders.

What happens to the thoughts that don’t find a place to call home? Do they just keep rattling around in there all day long? It’s such a weird feeling to know the words I’m trying to say but can’t seem to connect those thoughts with my tongue. I know I frustrate people from time to time with my long pauses, lack of complex vocabulary and made up words. I frustrate myself too.

I’m thankful for the people who are patient with me and allow me the space I need to piece things together even when I get things all mixed up. The phrase “collecting my thoughts” never meant much to me until multiple sclerosis came along. Now I truly know what it’s like to sift through words, thoughts and ideas as I attempt to find something that makes sense.

But that’s my world now…a jumbled up, 3-dimensional word search game. The bad thing about it is that someone keeps switching the game board and jumbling up all the words. Just when I think I have things solved, BAM…there’s a new arrangement of letters and words to sort through.

So, if you are looking for me today, I’ll be sifting through a sea of letters and words in my brain searching for…what was it again? Pancakes? Trashcans? Envelopes? Ugh…I think I need a nap.

10 replies
  1. Rodger Ashton-Smith
    Rodger Ashton-Smith says:

    Thanks Penelope I have been through that and not only MS, but when you’re drunk it can be the same, only it’s not only at night but 24/7. I had a brain freeze recently when trying to mention a tool. All I could think of was it’s description, A green tube with a red round thing at the end. The it came to me from the other person, “you mean an angle grinder?”. It worked but not as easy as that .

  2. Peggy
    Peggy says:

    When 1st diagnosed my Neurologist showed us the DVD and xrays of my brain WOW..He pointed out the permanently damaged spots and said we call those ‘black holes’ so now I’ll tell my husband well that thought went into a black hole!! 😉


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