I’m starting to get used to a life of change. Don’t you just hate it when “normal” keeps changing on you? My normal today is drastically different than it was a few years ago. Comparing milestone markers in my life by looking at my progressions from year to year, and sometimes month to month, is the only way I can actually determine just how much my disability is changing.
For me, two years ago my legs would still function a little when I would do the ever so popular furniture walk. (That’s where you walk from one piece of furniture to another using anything you can grab hold of as a support. BTW…it’s not recommended.) My grip strength was much better then too. Thankfully the tremor in my right hand has subsided a bit, but it’s still there and ever so annoying. Just for the fact that it’s gotten better is not a woo hoo moment.
My voice is softer, my thinking is slower, pain has increased, and quality of sleep is non-existent. Last year I had a urinary catheter surgically inserted and it’s attached to a urine bag since I had lost control of the muscles needed to empty my bladder. A nurse comes to see me once a week to help me manage my MS life. She helps to keep my life a bit more manageable, keeps a record of my weekly vitals, and ensures my meds are scheduled correctly. You have no idea how many times I would forget to take something.
This year I have had trouble with my strength and needed help to do just about everything. I no longer wear an AFO brace on my right ankle since the drop foot has shifted to being stiff rather than floppy, and my breathing is shallower but still going strong. I’d say that’s a lot of change.
But looking back over my life, change has always been happening…even before multiple sclerosis came into the picture. Seasons change in our lives and what we considered normal changes right along with it.
No matter how much change has been happening, I have made it this far in life because I hung on even when I wanted to give up. Look back at all you’ve been through then give yourself a giant pat on the back, high five or hug for sticking it out. You have pushed through some truly difficult and impossible times.
I always think of Florence Chadwick when I feel like quitting. In 1952, she attempted the impossible. She stepped into the waters of the Pacific Ocean off Catalina Island determined to swim to the shore of mainland California. She was already the first woman to swim the English Channel both ways, so surely she could do this.
The weather was foggy and chilly making it hard to see the boats that were accompanying her. Fifteen hours she swam, stroke by stroke, exhausted and only able to see a few feet in front of her. She begged to be taken out of the water.
Her mother, in a boat alongside of her, told her she was close and that she could make it, but being both physically and emotionally exhausted, she stopped swimming and was pulled out. It wasn’t until she was on the boat that she discovered the shore was less than half a mile away.
At a news conference the next day she said, “All I could see was the fog…I think if I could have seen the shore, I would have made it.”
Can you relate? Sometimes I feel like giving up because I don’t have the strength to move forward, not even an inch. I can’t see where I’m headed and I am exhausted, weary and just completely worn out.
I didn’t ask to be a part of this fight, this struggle in life. But you know what? Each day I still come up swinging. Sometimes I get knocked out even before stepping out of bed, but I keep fighting anyway. You have to do the same thing. That’s what warriors do. And believe me, you are a warrior.
If today is a difficult day for you, remind yourself of how far you’ve already come. Stop looking at how far you still have to go or the fact that you can’t see the finish line. The important thing is that you are moving forward…even if it is only at a snails pace.
You are conquering today one moment, one step, one stroke at a time. And that, my friend, is amazing!