When you come to a place in life and nothing happening around you is “normal”…well, at least no longer your normal, take heart. Days change, times change, seasons change, life changes and we have to learn to shift with those changes. Some changes will come along and they will excite us. Things like a new baby in the family, a graduation, a promotion, a surprise gift. Those things are welcomed and make us smile. They bring joy to our heart and cause our insides to dance.
The changes we seem to cringe about are the ones that put a spin on our life and upsets the balance we have been used to. Things like losing the ability to do something, ending a career, shedding friendships, and all unwelcome shifts to our daily routines. Multiple sclerosis does a pretty good job at that. It has changed every aspect of my life…unpleasantly and uninvited.
When multiple sclerosis came along, things I didn’t know could change…changed.
Hearing Difficulties
I have a loud ringing in my ears that just showed up unannounced and unmuteable one day and has yet to leave. How rude!
It has given me trouble making out what people are saying because there is a constant noise that seems to muffle all the sounds around me. The odd thing about my hearing is that with all the noise going on, I seem to have developed super sonic hearing and can hear people in the next room that others can’t seem to hear. Even whispers.
Many noises scare me like a knock at the door or the buzzer on the dryer. All normal sounds. They just happen unannounced and cause me to jump out of my skin.
Breathing Troubles
The dreaded MS hug was one of the first symptoms that arrived causing me great concern. It’s like having a boa constrictor constantly wrapped around your torso and it randomly chooses when to squeeze. It knocks the breath out of me all the time and can be quite painful.
Vision Difficulties
Another problem that first arrived was a loss of color clarity. It was so odd. As a graphic designer all of a sudden I was unable to see my work as it was created to be. I was seeing everything in grayscale and had to use my training in color theory and memory to create something appealing. Although I regained some color clarity, it has never returned entirely. It still bothers me. Just knowing that I can put a graphic together that makes sense…makes me happy.
When I try reading there is a shadow to all the words I see. It’s almost as if there’s a duplicate fuzzy focused letter sitting beside each letter causing everything to appear like double vision.
I also have blurred vision that makes driving difficult and even watching TV unpleasant. The more tired I am, the worse it gets. Because my hearing has diminished (not due to old age) I use closed captioning to watch TV. Without it on I miss out on what’s happening. Although I have to watch with my left eye closed to stay focused on the TV screen, I can still enjoy what I’m watching.
Itching Skin
The constant feeling of needing to itch my skin for no apparent reason is annoying. Even while typing this, really just hunting and pecking out the words, I have been scratching my nose and for some unknown reason there is an itch needing to be scratched on the palm of my hand. Nothing makes it go away.
Swallowing Difficulties
This can be a bit scary especially when it happens mid-swallow of a drink. It’s almost like I have to remind my throat to work. I came close to choking on my coffee one day. I have learned a few tip from speech therapy that has been life saving for me. It’s hard to explain but it helps to slow me down and complete a swallow when I’m having trouble.
Tremors
The involuntary movements that drives me crazy. I could make a milkshake without a blender if I just attach a closed cup with all the ingredients to my hand. I use weighted gloves to help with my hand tremors and weighted eating utensils as long as I don’t try to throw them. That’s still possible.
My voice is a bit shaky too. I haven’t been able to talk normally for years. I don’t answer the phone for this very reason. I normally need a minute or two to get my voice ready to talk. I had one doctor tell me that at least I now have a sexy voice. It’s more of a strained whisper to me.
I never knew life could change that much so soon.
We can become angry, allowing the changes to drown us and swallow any bit of life we have left inside of us or we can rise above the challenges thrown our way and use them to become a better person.
I know you don’t want to become someone filled with bitterness and anger at what is happening in your life, but I also know that it’s not easy to rise above the challenges of multiple sclerosis and find something of meaning in the mess. If it was easy everyone would be doing it, right?!
In case no one has ever told you, I want you to know…you are strong and even though you have moments when you are ready to throw in the towel, I know you are not a quitter. How do I know that? Well, because you are reading this, you are pushing through, you are making it regardless of what’s happening. Even when you have days that you crumble to the floor in tears, you always get back up.
It’s not easy. Boy, do I know that. But you do it. You get up. You push through. You don’t ever let a set back, change, or shift in life stop you from living. Keep moving. Keep going. MS may end your ability to do something or change the way you function, but it can never keep you from living. Never forget that.
Today you are awake, breathing, your heart is beating, you’re alive. If that’s the only thing you can be thankful for…that’s enough. Take this day one moment at a time, one step at a time, one second at a time. The hard times won’t last but the strength they build in you will. I’m proud of you for choosing not to quit.