I can’t get any air

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I almost choked on my own saliva Monday. It was a scary experience. I was sitting on the couch listening to some music and just swallowed. Nothing unusual. Just a simple swallow, but it turned out to be a truly terrible moment.

When I swallowed it seemed to go down the wrong way then I couldn’t get my throat muscles to cooperate. I was unable to catch my breath in the process. A few minutes went by as I struggled to breathe. I leaned forward, raise my arms hoping it would help, tried to massage my throat even turned my small fan on sitting beside my seat but my throat was spasming and nothing seemed to work in resolving the issue. I felt like I was chocking.

By the time I was able to catch my breath I had tears streaming down my face and I was weakly coughing in an attempt to clear my throat. My throat was still spasming. I felt hopeless. I was unable to speak for at least 30 minutes. All I could do was pray, cry and hope for a clear airway to stay.

Those are the times I truly dread and most people don’t even talk about them. I have yet to find a solution aside from making sure I’m sitting up, not reclining. Reclining seems to make it worse. I’m thankful those times don’t happen often but they do happen enough to warrant concern.

I want you to know that you aren’t alone in the struggle. Of course there are countless other struggles we face on a daily basis but all can be overcome with a little bit of patience and hard work. Don’t lose heart when they happen.

Today I’m breathing better and believing for a good day ahead. Believing the same for you too. It’s going to be a good day!

I wake up each morning ready for a nap

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I can remember a time in my life when I would stay awake for days just because I could. I pulled all-nighters at least twice a week for no real reason using the time to spend with friends, hang out at Steak ‘n Shake (the only restaurant in town open all night), and watch reruns of Doctor Who. Life was simple then.

I think sleep is paying me back now for all those hours we missed together. I find myself waking up in the morning ready to take a nap, and then when I do nap, I’m ready for another nap as soon as I get up from that one. It’s a weird and crazy cycle…sleeping to sleep.

As a kid I was always told we needed at least 8 hours of productive sleep. Lately, I’m lucky to get 8 hours productive awake time. I have been known to fall asleep in some of the oddest places too: at the dinner table as my head slowly drops into my plate of food (I haven’t done that in a while though), at the bookstore as I’m chillin’ in my chair skimming through a book, and even on the toilet just doing…well, you know.

My eyes will get heavy and I find myself thinking, “I just need to shut my eyes for a second.” But as soon as they shut I am instantly transported to another world. It’s a wonderful world, a place where multiple sclerosis doesn’t exist and anything can happen. I have been known to fly and have even tiptoed throughout the tulips and danced with leprechauns. One day I actually discovered I could dance better than Michael Jackson. Crazy, huh? Especially since I can’t even walk.

The only strange thing is that I can’t stay in that place for long. That’s why my life has become a continual daily life of nap, nap, nap with no sleep, sleep, sleep. I’ve been visiting there quite a bit lately; this land of nap. Maybe you have too.

And don’t feel bad if you are experiencing the opposite and can’t fall asleep no matter how hard you try. That can be just as miserable, but in a different way. Wow, a life with MS is as unpredictable as the weather. Sleep, no sleep…Ugh!

Just remember to be good to yourself through it all. Yes, you are that important.

I think my bed is calling to me. I can actually hear it humming my favorite song…Zzzzzzz. Me and sleep, sleep and me, we have become the best of friends.

I didn’t choose a life flipped upside down

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Once diagnosed with multiple sclerosis I wanted to do something to help others like me who live day in and day out with an unpredictable life of chaos. I didn’t actually know if the things I had to share would make a difference or even matter, but I knew I needed to try. If not for others, at least for my own sanity and peace of mind.

So, I started writing away even though I was unsure who would actually read what I had to say. I know that sometimes I get serious and real about what things are like for me and others living with MS. Other times I can be a bit goofy. But my hope has always been to help others feel less alone and less scared about living with MS.

I have been amazed at the growth of Positive Living with MS over the years, not just among other MSers but also with caregivers and people dealing with other chronic illnesses. We all have something in common… an unexpected disruption to our lives that has brought about a whirlwind of change, confusion and pain.

I didn’t choose to have my life flipped upside down. I didn’t choose a life of constant struggle because of MS, but it didn’t give me a choice. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.

Somehow it found me and here I am living in a world that is constantly changing. I don’t want to feel like a failure because of something beyond my control. I refuse to believe it will be because I didn’t fight hard enough.

Like so many others around the world, we research, we dig for answers, we hope, we cry, we even get discouraged. But you know what? No matter how low our emotions get or how bad life becomes, somehow we find the strength to keep going. Somehow we get through one more day. Somehow hope fills our hearts when the weariness grows deep. Somehow. Somehow.

I don’t know how MS really works or why some people have more challenges and difficulties in life than others, but I do know that no matter what you are facing or how hard things get, you are not alone. I am here along with thousands of others around the world to bring encouragement, hope and peace to a broken and chaotic life.

Together we love, help, dream, and live for a better tomorrow. Together we stand arm in arm holding each other up as we swing our swords in battle. What a sightly bunch of warriors we are. Bruised, wobbly, weary, tired… but somehow less afraid of tomorrow.

If you feel sad today, know that you aren’t alone. If you feel you are losing hope, hang on a few more days because the sun will come out and the birds will begin to sing once again.

You are amazingly strong, resilient and a fighter even on your weakest days…especially on your weakest days. Keep standing. Keep hoping for a better day. Keep sharing. Keep fighting.

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