Lately I’ve become more home bound than any other time in my multiple sclerosis journey. Sometimes I welcome the solitude and enjoy my alone time, but more and more it seems to come accompanied with depression, feelings of worthlessness, and tears.
Last week I was invited to a dinner scheduled for last night. It was something I had been looking forward to getting out of the house to be a part of. I had even laid out the clothes I was going to wear, but at the last minute I had to cancel because MS just wasn’t cooperating. Between vertigo, blurred vision, tremors and weakness, I just wouldn’t have made a very good dinner guest.
I crawled into bed after letting the person know that I couldn’t come and broke down into tears. The sobbing, snorting kind of tears. I felt so alone, so useless. No one tells you when you get diagnosed with MS that life has the possibility of changing like that. But you know, I have a feeling that even if they had told me, I probably wouldn’t have believed them anyway. I always thought I was going to be the one to beat the odds.
So what do you do when life catches up with you? What do you do when MS limits you? What do you do when tears are easier to come by than smiles?
The emotional pain that accompanies these kinds of times are hardly ever understood by others, but it’s important to not let them weigh you down. Talk to those in your life who are part of your support system whether it be a family member, doctor, friend or therapist. You can’t keep everything bottled up. It really is okay to talk about what’s going on. You’re not being selfish, a burden or attention seeking when you do.
Today, I’m up early, my emotions are much calmer and I’m ready to face the challenges before me. Sure my hand is still a bit shaky and I had a hard time transferring from my bed to my chair, but it’s a new day filled with countless possibilities. I’m dressed, the weather is starting to cool down a bit which is always welcomed, and I already found something to smile about as I watch some wild turkeys in my back yard playing tag.
Don’t lose hope! Sometimes that is the only thing holding me together.