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There’s a flurry of weirdness going on in my brain

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When people try to rationalize or downplay my fatigue, it can hurt. Many times it seems like the more I try to explain how tired my tired is, the more they try to fit it into their little perception box. Understandably so, they aren’t the ones living with it, but sometimes I just wish I could give them a taste of what my fatigue actually feels like. Maybe then they would get it.

I spent my night with a random flurry of weirdness going on in my brain. My thoughts had no reason and made no sense. I have an overactive brain that just won’t shut up especially when night comes. It just feels so uncomfortable having a torrent of random weird thoughts and questions hitting me every time I try to sleep. I have realized the questions are so odd that most of them are unsolvable.

To go with my busy brain, my body is filled with pain, dizziness, breathing difficulties, tossing and turning, and muscle spasms all disrupting my comfort. A night of sleep… I wish!

But did any of my night time questions or thoughts come to fruition? No. When this happens I pick up a notebook and pen to write everything down. I can guarantee you that when I read them later I’m always thinking omg, these thoughts are so irrational. What the heck is that all about. Then I just let it go. I don’t need any stressful thoughts to complicate my already complicated life.

And because I’m so tired even after a night in bed, the thought of having to get myself dressed and looking presentable in the morning wears me out. If it’s not messy hair, pajama pants and t-shirt doable, it’s too much work.

I appreciate when a friend asks me to do something, but then is ok if I end up declining their invite because my body is simply too exhausted to function, even if it ends up being a last minute change. No one should ever have to spend time defending how they feel and why.

The world is buzzing by at hyper speeds and it tries its best to force me to keep up with the pace it sets, but MS has given me a slower pace that requires pitstops and multiple times of rest. Most of the buzzing about that the world wants me to do isn’t really important anyway.

I choose to hold onto the things that really matter in life like great friends, savory coffee and extra time to stay in bed. My bed is my friend and keeps me company even in the middles of the day when I need fluffy pillows and moments of quiet. I like friends like that.

Why Does Your Brain Ask Weird Questions When You Can’t Sleep?

I know what it’s like to be chronically tired

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At the end of an exhausting day yesterday, I collapsed into my bed and tried to sleep. You know, that thing where you curl up, close your eyes, snore and drool? Unfortunately, it didn’t work out for me last night.

I spent the entire time awake through the yawns. I even tried counting sheep but they were no help. I think they actually went to sleep without me because at some point in the night I ran out of sheep to count. Now, here I am still awake at 5:30 AM watching the sun come up and wondering how I’m going to get through my already exhausting day.

Just so you know…

  • I know what it’s like to lie down in the bed at the end of the day only to watch the clock as the minutes tick by with each passing hour.
  • I know about those moments you ‘re about to drift off to sleep when your brain suddenly gets this weird burst of energy and decides to wake up and ponder everything ponderable.
  • I know the feeling of frustration and discouragement when MS seems to be winning the battle with sleep as muscle spasms, tremors and pain relentlessly pulse through your body.
  • I know what it’s like to not be able to sleep even with medications and supplements promoted to help you sleep.
  • I know what it’s like to drag yourself out of bed in the morning so exhausted, and with your muscles so tight, that you can’t move gracefully…or even at all.
  • I know how it feels to stumble into the kitchen to start your day when your entire body feels like you woke up with a hangover times ten.
  • I know how hard it is to put a smile on your face when you at greeted by a cheery “good morning” from your spouse, child or hungry dog.
  • I know what it’s like to think to yourself day in and day out, “If only I could sleep through the night, life would be so much better.”

I know what it’s like to be chronically tired.

I can’t promise you that you will ever feel completely rested when you get out of bed each morning even if you’ve slept through the night, but I can promise you that you will make it through your exhausting day… eventually, minute by minute, step by step.

Hang in there today. You’re doing great, even if you are too tired to see it. Living with multiple sclerosis is truly exhausting but you will make it through your day. Even though you don’t believe it, you will be stronger for it.

Welcome the day and hang in there moving little by little until you’re able to push through the pain, tremors, muscle weakness and even the negative thoughts that have a tendency to show up out of nowhere. It’s going to be a good day. Cheer up. I just know it.

Positive affirmations that will change your life

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There’s so much evil happening in the world today that you don’t know who to trust due to the amount of disinformation taking place everywhere you turn. Sadly the spreaders of disinfo are determined to purposefully confuse, agitate and divide people. Don’t let their words and actions negatively impact you.

Whether you’re dealing with stress, need a confidence boost, or simply want to give yourself a pep talk, positive affirmations are a powerful tool for rewiring your thoughts and shifting the chaos in your day. They are phrases that are meant to uplift and inspire you to be your best. Repeating self-selected phrases can do wonders for your day. I find if I read through some of my favorite ones, my day gets better. It doesn’t change my troubles, but it changes me and what I’m focusing on.

One of the beautiful things about affirmations is that they are super easy to work with and you can choose the ones that speak to you—whether you found them on a list or you made them up yourself. It’s important to look for affirmations that really resonate with you and the person you want to be. I find writing them on post-it notes and placing them around the house for me to see helps. I have some in my bathroom on the mirror, some on the refrigerator and some even in my van on the steering wheel.

Repeating positive affirmations, mantras, and meditations are all great ways to prime the brain to make a change. The point of affirmations isn’t to magically cast a spell on your life but rather to start shifting you into a more positive mindset so you’re better able to line up your thought to help clear the chaos around you.

It can be easy to get caught up in negative thought loops, but with a few personalized and empowering affirmations paired with some honest self-reflection, you can slowly but surely start to unlearn and reshape those patterns.

Some Positive Affirmations:

  1. I release all fear that tried to tell me I should be somewhere different.
  2. I need only focus on right here, right now.
  3. I can get through difficulties.
  4. I’m doing my best.
  5. I am enough.
  6. I offer myself rest and relaxation.
  7. I am deserving of my own love and care.
  8. I care for myself because I love myself.
  9. My self-care is a priority.
  10. I treat myself as I would a dear friend.
  11. I am so grateful to be alive.
  12. I’m going to have a great day.
  13. Today and every day I am blessed.
  14. No challenge is too great for me.
  15. I wake each morning with a smile.
  16. I am strong.
  17. I am capable of overcoming anything.
  18. I am resilient.
  19. I can get through hardship.
  20. I am a wonderful person.
  21. I love who I am.
  22. I am courageous.
  23. I learn and grow through difficulty.
  24. I always pick myself back up.
  25. I will press on and go forward.
  26. I release what no longer serves me.
  27. I am proud of myself.
  28. I am living with purpose.
  29. Every day is a gift.
  30. Every day I embody the best version of myself.

You didn’t cause multiple sclerosis in your life

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You didn’t cause multiple sclerosis in your life by the foods you choose to eat or not eat, by the supplements you choose to take or not take, by the DMTs you choose to take or not take, or even by the prayers you choose to pray or not pray. You didn’t do anything wrong or even live a bad life that brought about such terrible circumstances. That’s all just a bunch of crap… and it makes you feel like crap as well. No one deserves to be made to feel like that.

You didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and can’t cure it. It’s not your fault if other people leave you because of your illness or even because of how you are dealing with it. It’s not your fault that you are sick. Don’t even let that thought take ahold of your heart.

You are so much more than MS. It’s something you have been diagnosed with… and that’s all. It’s not your name and not who you are. Don’t forget that.

You don’t have to hide the fact that you have MS in order to make others comfortable and you don’t have to be an inspiration to others every time you share your life story. Many times you just want to scream and wish others could see just how difficult an MS life is. They never see the pain that overwhelms you, the despair that sets in at such inopportune moments, the hopelessness you feel at times, or even the tears you wipe away when no one is around.

You’re allowed to stay in bed if you can’t get up to do anything but go to the bathroom. You’re allowed to have bad days. You’re allowed to wish life was different. You’re allowed to miss the old you and all the things you used to be able to do.

But one thing you have to do after a short time of pity-party moments is remind yourself just how amazing you actually are. Take a break from life, take a deep breath and take care of you. That’s not being selfish, that’s caring and being kind. As airlines like to remind us, it’s important to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others do the same because if you run out of air, it becomes a lot harder to help anyone, including yourself. Treat yourself as a friend.

Home should be your safe place, your sanctuary. Consider filling yours with what brings you joy, whether it’s live plants, pictures of happy memories, or art you love to look at and remember to smile. It always helps.

You will get through the tough times and come out with a strength that you never realized you had. You’re getting stronger even right now. Hang in there. You got this.