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I wake up each morning ready for a nap

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I can remember a time in my life when I would stay awake for days just because I could. I pulled all-nighters at least twice a week for no real reason using the time to spend with friends, hang out at Steak ‘n Shake (the only restaurant in town open all night), and watch reruns of Doctor Who. Life was simple then.

I think sleep is paying me back now for all those hours we missed together. I find myself waking up in the morning ready to take a nap, and then when I do nap, I’m ready for another nap as soon as I get up from that one. It’s a weird and crazy cycle…sleeping to sleep.

As a kid I was always told we needed at least 8 hours of productive sleep. Lately, I’m lucky to get 8 hours productive awake time. I have been known to fall asleep in some of the oddest places too: at the dinner table as my head slowly drops into my plate of food (I haven’t done that in a while though), at the bookstore as I’m chillin’ in my chair skimming through a book, and even on the toilet just doing…well, you know.

My eyes will get heavy and I find myself thinking, “I just need to shut my eyes for a second.” But as soon as they shut I am instantly transported to another world. It’s a wonderful world, a place where multiple sclerosis doesn’t exist and anything can happen. I have been known to fly and have even tiptoed throughout the tulips and danced with leprechauns. One day I actually discovered I could dance better than Michael Jackson. Crazy, huh? Especially since I can’t even walk.

The only strange thing is that I can’t stay in that place for long. That’s why my life has become a continual daily life of nap, nap, nap with no sleep, sleep, sleep. I’ve been visiting there quite a bit lately; this land of nap. Maybe you have too.

And don’t feel bad if you are experiencing the opposite and can’t fall asleep no matter how hard you try. That can be just as miserable, but in a different way. Wow, a life with MS is as unpredictable as the weather. Sleep, no sleep…Ugh!

Just remember to be good to yourself through it all. Yes, you are that important.

I think my bed is calling to me. I can actually hear it humming my favorite song…Zzzzzzz. Me and sleep, sleep and me, we have become the best of friends.

There’s a flurry of weirdness going on in my brain

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When people try to rationalize or downplay my fatigue, it can hurt. Many times it seems like the more I try to explain how tired my tired is, the more they try to fit it into their little perception box. Understandably so, they aren’t the ones living with it, but sometimes I just wish I could give them a taste of what my fatigue actually feels like. Maybe then they would get it.

I spent my night with a random flurry of weirdness going on in my brain. My thoughts had no reason and made no sense. I have an overactive brain that just won’t shut up especially when night comes. It just feels so uncomfortable having a torrent of random weird thoughts and questions hitting me every time I try to sleep. I have realized the questions are so odd that most of them are unsolvable.

To go with my busy brain, my body is filled with pain, dizziness, breathing difficulties, tossing and turning, and muscle spasms all disrupting my comfort. A night of sleep… I wish!

But did any of my night time questions or thoughts come to fruition? No. When this happens I pick up a notebook and pen to write everything down. I can guarantee you that when I read them later I’m always thinking omg, these thoughts are so irrational. What the heck is that all about. Then I just let it go. I don’t need any stressful thoughts to complicate my already complicated life.

And because I’m so tired even after a night in bed, the thought of having to get myself dressed and looking presentable in the morning wears me out. If it’s not messy hair, pajama pants and t-shirt doable, it’s too much work.

I appreciate when a friend asks me to do something, but then is ok if I end up declining their invite because my body is simply too exhausted to function, even if it ends up being a last minute change. No one should ever have to spend time defending how they feel and why.

The world is buzzing by at hyper speeds and it tries its best to force me to keep up with the pace it sets, but MS has given me a slower pace that requires pitstops and multiple times of rest. Most of the buzzing about that the world wants me to do isn’t really important anyway.

I choose to hold onto the things that really matter in life like great friends, savory coffee and extra time to stay in bed. My bed is my friend and keeps me company even in the middles of the day when I need fluffy pillows and moments of quiet. I like friends like that.

Why Does Your Brain Ask Weird Questions When You Can’t Sleep?

I know what it’s like to be chronically tired

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At the end of an exhausting day yesterday, I collapsed into my bed and tried to sleep. You know, that thing where you curl up, close your eyes, snore and drool? Unfortunately, it didn’t work out for me last night.

I spent the entire time awake through the yawns. I even tried counting sheep but they were no help. I think they actually went to sleep without me because at some point in the night I ran out of sheep to count. Now, here I am still awake at 5:30 AM watching the sun come up and wondering how I’m going to get through my already exhausting day.

Just so you know…

  • I know what it’s like to lie down in the bed at the end of the day only to watch the clock as the minutes tick by with each passing hour.
  • I know about those moments you ‘re about to drift off to sleep when your brain suddenly gets this weird burst of energy and decides to wake up and ponder everything ponderable.
  • I know the feeling of frustration and discouragement when MS seems to be winning the battle with sleep as muscle spasms, tremors and pain relentlessly pulse through your body.
  • I know what it’s like to not be able to sleep even with medications and supplements promoted to help you sleep.
  • I know what it’s like to drag yourself out of bed in the morning so exhausted, and with your muscles so tight, that you can’t move gracefully…or even at all.
  • I know how it feels to stumble into the kitchen to start your day when your entire body feels like you woke up with a hangover times ten.
  • I know how hard it is to put a smile on your face when you at greeted by a cheery “good morning” from your spouse, child or hungry dog.
  • I know what it’s like to think to yourself day in and day out, “If only I could sleep through the night, life would be so much better.”

I know what it’s like to be chronically tired.

I can’t promise you that you will ever feel completely rested when you get out of bed each morning even if you’ve slept through the night, but I can promise you that you will make it through your exhausting day… eventually, minute by minute, step by step.

Hang in there today. You’re doing great, even if you are too tired to see it. Living with multiple sclerosis is truly exhausting but you will make it through your day. Even though you don’t believe it, you will be stronger for it.

Welcome the day and hang in there moving little by little until you’re able to push through the pain, tremors, muscle weakness and even the negative thoughts that have a tendency to show up out of nowhere. It’s going to be a good day. Cheer up. I just know it.