Let your life shine through the chaos of MS

When multiple sclerosis became a part of my life, just trying to come to terms with such a life altering disease was difficult. I went through periods of denial, anger, depression, why-me moments, and finally acceptance. Acceptance was hard. I had to re-evaluate my entire life.

Whenever something goes wrong in life, the first thing we do is look for someone to blame. Sometimes it’s God, sometimes it’s the people around us, sometimes it’s the doctors, but deep inside we have a sense of regret thinking we caused it by our own life choices. The helplessness we feel makes it hard to accept things the way they are. It breaks our heart. Were we going to be able to make room for MS in our life?

A person’s life can become completely destroyed when MS shows up. It has this way of flipping our world on its head, spinning us around and around creating dizzying chaos and confusion, and then leaving us to figure things out… many times all on our own.

That kind of whirlwind hurts. Some people may only experienced a slight amount of discomfort while others are left holding pieces of a shattered mess in their hands. It breaks you down no matter how strong you thinks you are.

If you look really close at my life, you will see the cracks and missing pieces from some of the difficulties I have been through because of MS. Things like increased progression, having to use a wheelchair, needing help for things most of the world takes for granted, ending a much loved career, financial struggles, and losing friendships.

My last MRI gave me bad news which has altered my future plans. There is moderate periventricular white matter disease, central cerebral atrophy which has progressed, over 20 mainly pericallosal as well as periventricular old burnt-out plaques, and a whole bunch of doctor speak that I don’t quite understand.

What does all that mean? MS is the reason for my trouble in learning or remembering things, having difficulty with problem solving, slowed thinking, depression, balance issues, and the reason I have almost non-existent trunk control which means I fall over easily even while trying to sit up. I weeble wobble in my chair.

My MS difficulties are much more pronounce than I expected at this time in my life but I refuse to be defeated. Even with all the issues I now face, there is still beauty in my life that shines through all the confusion.

You may be in the middle of a relapse heart right now. I know how badly it can hurt, but you are going to get through this and your life is going to become a thing of beauty. Don’t stuff the pain down deep inside trying to hide it away. Let the emotions out as they happen heal. Out of sight, out of mind doesn’t actually work.

Let it all out so you can heal. It takes time, but it will happen. Be patient with yourself and take it slow. Your life is a beautiful thing. Give yourself time to handle what is going on then let your life shine through the chaos.