Do you see me?
That’s it. I don’t think I can take any more. I have worked and worked and worked, yet, things seem to just keep going wrong. It used to not be like this, but now I’m the person they don’t see. I stare out my window into the world and I see them. So many lives oblivious to my pain, to my illness, to my struggle with multiple sclerosis. I wish to be seen, to be known and understood. I sit here in my house, alone and with my heart torn out. The sorrow is deep.
The masses see my wheelchair and so they should, but they don’t see me. I’m not invisible. I’m not broken. The loss of my mobility is crushing. It makes me long to shout out “Hey, I’m here, I’m alive, Look at me.” But all I can do is stare out the window.
I know I’ll never be the same. I know I’ll have to move on. But today it hurts too much. Today I need to just sit and stare out the window as I contemplate my life.
Today I feel numb. I feel anger. I feel sorrow. I feel confusion. I feel the loss of my active life that has been pulled into the darkness. The unpredictable waves of grief wash over me like a tidal wave. I hold onto my faith and hope for a better day tomorrow.
I know I need to let the grief happen even though it feels like I won’t survive it. How can something you can’t see hurt so badly? That’s the problem with MS. It’s not visible and it makes you feel alone.
I not only lost my mobility, I lost the joy of going places and taking part in the world around me. I lost being able to do as I please without a care in my heart to hold me back. I’ll never walk down the street to see my neighbor. I’ll never walk to the mailbox to get the mail. The loss is deep and wide like an ocean and I’m doing my best to tread water when you would expect me to swim.
It is in these times that I need to stop, take a step back, take a deep breath, and tell myself, “I’ve got this!” I need to hold my head up from my sorrow. And so I do. Now I sit on my couch and rest to recover from a time brought forth by my MS sorrow. I wish you could see me and enter the pain with me. I know I’m not the only one feeling this ache in their bones.
If we are honest for a moment… life isn’t easy. It can be really hard at times. But I want to encourage you, you can do hard things. We all walk through storms in this life: sickness, financial troubles, losing a job, losing a loved one, and more. It’s tragic and terrible, but even some of the most rewarding things in life can be hard… like running a marathon. Not to mention, even the little everyday things, like doing the dishes, having no gas in the car, running late, and spilled coffee, can be so hard and frustrating on days where everything seems to be going wrong. So how are you supposed deal with all of this?
Today I want to encourage you that the words you speak have the power to change your mindset. My mom always says “You can do hard things.” And in the midst of the hardship, remember you can do hard things and it too will pass.
Sometimes I think, what if I told myself words like, “you cannot do this, it is too scary.” Naturally, those are easier words to say but they don’t bring anything good to your life. Living with MS is hard, frustrating, scary, uncertain, chaotic, and depressing. What you are going through is hard. But you can do hard things, my friend.
I want to challenge you to be more aware of the words you are saying over yourself and others. Are they words of life or death? I want to challenge you to embrace this messy, hard life and face it head on. And just know, whether it is a moment of hardship or a season you are in, this too shall pass.
1. Simplify your life.
You express your feelings so poignantly. I pray that God will give you what you need for the present moment.
How I wish I were nearby to be helpful.
I needed this message
You have described me Penelope
I see you
Thanks Erin. xoxo
Very well said! It is a crushing pain thinking about all that MS has taken. I always go through the grieving process then acceptance. It is hard but get through it. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Thanks Sadmira…. I’m glad to have helped,
Thank you so very much for perfectly written feeling of our everyday life. I pray that people read the whole blog to understand the challenges and yes we can do so much. Maybe not like we use to…..
Thanks, I hope they do as well. Hugs xoxo
I so get it. We r living with an invisible illness.
Exactly xoxo
Penelope your very strong and so great at putting your words and feelings to paper. Life is definitely a continuous struggle for us with MS. It’s so unfortunate that MS has taken so much from us. The only thing we can do is come together and fight this fight. Thank you for always bringing more hope and a strong embrace to dealing with our disease. You truly rock!!!
You are awesome Julietta. Thanks for your kind words.
I see you, you are me. On my worst days and nights when nothing seems to work and everything works against me emotionally, mentally and physically all at once.
I see you.
I can see you Jackie. Sending love xoxo
they don’t see you but, all who follow you do.
my heart broke and tears flowed reading your post, brave, open honest & real.
l see you xo. i feel your struggle, fear, anger, loneliness, frustration, sadness exhaustion. i also feel your strength, power, faith and self love– tears. we see you, i see you, big comforting hugs.
We see you. We hear you. Every time you put pen to paper. Thank you Penelope!